Ouch.

I’ve been pretty good about all this…you know the whole “I can’t get pregnant thing…” I’ve been good at being genuinely happy for women who are pregnant and having babies. Surprisingly happy. But finding out last night that a close family member was having a baby…on my birthday…ON facebook sent me for a tailspin.

We had some friends over last night and I was trying to tackle some laundry as well. I was doing pretty good until my mind just started to focus on the wrong stuff. So I grabbed the last load, said good-night and headed to my room. I’m folding towels and the tears just start to fall…then uncontrollable sobs. I text DH to come see me for a sec because I can’t hide this from him. I’ve hid too many tearful nights from him. He walks in and I all but collapse in his arms.

Yesterday was tough. First a church leadership meeting (which I was scolded for not attending in the past, so I showed up) asks up a pregnant co-worker for us to all lay hands on and pray for…then this news. I think everything was just hitting too close to home if you know what I mean. It’s SO not about me…but still…it hurts.

I know I should just be focusing on what God has in store for me. I think it’s going to be far better than what I’m imagining it to be. But the road seems long…soooo long. And when someone else gets pregnant after barely 2 years of marriage I have to ask, “why not me?”

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2 Responses

  1. I feel for you. It is difficult and embarrasing. My sister is 6 months pregnant and I am happy for her, but it’s been hard on me. She wants my Mom and I to go baby shopping or looking at things. The problem is I’ve been getting emotional all lately and depressed. I see things on facebook, belly pics and the whole bit, and I feel like I’m losing myself. Your not alone. Keep strong. You might consider joining if you haven’t already and are ready for a family, ttcwithvaginimus. There is a group for women who are trying to concieve with vaginimus.

  2. buaslbutterfly – everytime i see something posted online about the pregnancy i just get this empty feeling and sometimes i just think how insensitive they are for even posting it. oh well. the world can’t stop on my account…nor would i want it to. its just nice to know im not alone in how i feel. it is such a constant struggle…and i feel like im crazy at times. one second im fine the next im not.

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