Trying to process.

I’ve had a couple of days to reflect on everything thats happened these last couple of weeks. Well as much as I can with a sick husband in bed. We as a unit haven’t discussed much since Monday but I’ve dont a lot of thinking. Too much thinking…the kind that keeps you awake at night. At this very moment I’m worrying about telling my mother-in-law. My DH has already said he’d do it alone so that she can react the way she would naturally. He doesn’t mean she would react poorly…she’ll just be sad I think. It’s been a long tough road for her this year having breast cancer. She’s finished with chemo, praise the Lord, and starts radiation tomorrow. I’m afraid of what this news might do…to her wellness. My DH has a brother, who is about a year younger than I am, that really has no direction in life and no significant other. My DH and I are really her only hope for grandchildren. Can you feel the pressure with me?! Does anyone else feel the guilt that comes along with these issues? I know I’m loved but there is always this expectation…the expectation that one day we will have children for everyone to enjoy. Don’t get me wrong I have not given up hope at all…hence the name of this blog. But I’ve come to the realization that I won’t be pregnant before im 30…and that hurts a little.

This year my DH and I have made some wonderful changes. We paid off $8,000 in debt that was lurking over us in about 7 months. Thank God for Dave Ramsey. But our view of finances have drastically changed…for the better of course…and we feel that God would not want us to go in debt to have a child. Therefore, we must save money like we’ve never saved before. So all these tests and procedures I need done…they will have to wait. Which is ok. I’m not in any pain. A little cramping before periods is nothing new…and its totally manageable. I would like something to help my other symptoms though…im so tired of dealing with acne/oily skin/hair! But I’m sure I can see a regular endocrinologist to get proper treatment for that…maybe…I don’t know. This is all so new to me. I don’t know what I’m doing…or what I’m supposed to be doing. All I know is those blood results can’t come soon enough!


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