I don’t do Mondays.

Not only did I reschedule an appointment for a Monday morning, I also thought it was wise to accept an 8am slot. This was to be my first visit to a fertility specialist. I felt tired, overwhelmed and a little aggitated with the very rude and insensitive receptionist. I realize I did not show up 30 minutes beforehand AND I forgot my license, but come on, I was a bundle of nerves, I needed some mercy. There was so much paper work that I felt like I was signing my life away…with a time limit. So exclaiming that the schedule was thrown off because of my tardiness was not helping. I wanted to leave…

After waiting for maybe 20 minutes (which was not my fault mind you.) My DH and I made it in to see the Dr. We talked about the symptoms of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), he talked about testing…and off we went…down the roller coaster. First step: more blood work. I HATE blood work. I’m not a fraid of needles per se, I’m afraid of passing out…which is my usual response. I had already given blood two weeks before and made it through with flying colors. Wasn’t that good enough. This time I wasn’t prepared. There was nothing in my stomach (which is exactly how they wanted me…in fasting mode.) In all I gave nine vials. NINE VIALS. I came close to passing out but the nurse brought me back to life just in the nick of time. So glad that is over. The nurse assured me I wouldn’t need to give that much again. I don’t know if I believe her. Next was a vaginal ultra-sound that took a little too long. Lots of prodding and pictures. I was a little worried. We were only looking for cysts weren’t we?

The Dr. looked over the scans and called us in. This is where my life changed. Where in a single moment things went from manageable to utter despair. A moment where my heart literally hit the floor. The word that had plagued my sister on her quest to start a family had finally become a reality for me. “Those cysts you see there…those are filled with blood leading us to believe you may have Endometriosis,” the Dr. said, “and one of your tubes is dilated…we are not sure why.” Sitting there in disbelief I listened to his explanations and all the tests in our future. Everything my sister had endured six years ago would be my destiny as well. How is it that sisters, three years apart, share such a similar story? It brought back a memory from years earlier, maybe 15 years or so, when my sister had jaw surgery. I remember my dentist telling my mother I would need the same surgery. I was terrified. I walked out of the office, sat in the car, and cried. Things changed and I didn’t need jaw surgery after all, but the initial shock was traumatizing. Much like today. I knew what was ahead. I knew the potential heart ache and pain and I didn’t want to endure it. My DH was the greatest support for me that day. He was there to catch me when I hit my low. When I told him this was the worst case scenario for me…when the cashier told us our insurance would not cover our next appointment or procedure…meaning we would have to come up with $1,000 before next week plus hundreds more. He was there when I apologized…apologized for not being able to have his child the natural way…for complicating things. We both left in tears…going our separate ways. Both unsure of our future.

I know God is in control. I realize that although this may be the hardest thing DH and I have had to face so far… there is no doubt that God will do amazing things through this experience. And I trust that God will heal our hearts and provide in a way we never imagined. But for now, I’m hurting, we’re hurting…and to manage the pain I’m crying. And I know the Lord hears me.


One Response

  1. I am constantly finding myself in the same situation of filling out 15 pages of new patient forms as my appointment time creeps by. I feel your pain on that one.
    This will sound weird, but I was glad when my Dr diagnosed my endo. I figure I’d rather have a real diagnosis than unexplained mystery pain, wondering if it’s just in my head. I’m still pretty shell shocked though, it seems like PCOS was quite enough.

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